Today is "More Fair..."

The beauty of Grace is that it makes life not fair."

Not as often as I would like to be reminded, I think about Lauren Wright and Matt Hopper. Today it was because Lauren posted on his wall "with all this sunshine, I can't help but have you on my mind constantly".  

Matt passed away on December 22, 2008.  He was 20.  He played Ultimate Frisbee at Tenn Tech University.  That's how I casually knew him.  Using the term "casually knew" doesn't describe the brevity of our encounters.  What I knew about Matt was EVERYONE loved him-- his sense of humor, his perspective on life, his interests in rock climbing and ultimate, his faith. The only whispers behind his back were of him not returning to TTU in the fall of 2008 due to more tumors being found.  I also was not at TTU that fall, but because of a much different reason.  I was working at NASA Marshall Space Flight Center as a co-op engineer.  

I knew Matt was sick... again.  I knew my friends went to visit him. But I didn't know him.  But we were friends on Facebook.  Yes, it was a case of seeing someone a couple of times and having so many mutual friends that I expected we would see each other again, running in the same circles, seeing the same people.

 In late December another Matt (Matt Todd) had posted as his status on Facebook something about remembering all the good times had with Matt Hopper.  Without asking, without knowing how severe the illness was, without having any idea what cancer he had-- that was enough to know he had slipped away from this world.  I didn't ask any questions to any of my frisbee friends.  In the spring when I returned from co-op, I was talking with a friend and saw the memorial handout from his funeral on the wall.   I could not tell you what we talked about in that room that day.  All I remember is a black and white picture of a boy tucked above a framed picture on the wall.  

After December 22, 2008, I would look at Matt's facebook wall-- getting a peak into his life, into the reasons why EVERYONE loved him.  All the loving comments, the pictures of him smiling with his friends in Chattanooga and Cookeville, glorified this spirit for living and loving.  I also saw a girl. Lauren Wright.  She had no idea at the time how much she impacted my life.  She also had no idea how often I would look at Matt's page... and then hers.  For months.  For literally monthes I did this.  Secretly.  "Matt Hopper is in a relationship with Lauren Wright."  The relationship status stayed after the funeral.  The relationship status stayed after the final prognosis.  The relationship status stayed after the diagnosis.  

She stayed.  

Finally, two days after Valentine's day 2009, I emailed her.  My heart could not take it anymore.  It felt like the weirdest, creepiest email I had ever written.  "Dear stranger, You have no idea how you have impacted my life and my view of Love. All the best, a much stranger stranger."  That just should have been what I wrote.  The frantically typed, then erased, then typed again email reminded me of being on the phone with one of my best friends in high school, Emily Slicer, when she was battling her own cancer at the age of 17.  

Life is not fair. 

I thank God that life is not fair.  

If I am ever asked "When was the time you were the worst friend?"  Junior year of high schoo (2002-2003). When one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer, I ran.  I hid.  I did not want to be around.  No. No. No.  16 year olds were supposed to be thinking about prom dresses. 16 year olds were supposed to be stressing out over the ACT and which college to attend.  No. They were not supposed to be thinking about chemotherapy and wigs and "then what next".  No.  A few years prior I had just seen my aunt at the age of 29 wither and pass as a result of AIDS. My brother had just returned back to high school that year after several years of brain surgeries and enormous pain. No. No. No. I was not going to be another witness to someone else's pain.  

I have apologized to Emily several times because of this.  It has been nearly ten years (can you believe it has been ten years, Emily?!), and I do thank God that I was given a chance to explain to her how I felt back then, that I was given a chance to be a friend again.  

When I emailed Lauren the first time in 2009, I told her of this.  I tried to tell her everything that was on my heart:

I want you to know that I think of you all the time. I barely knew Matt. I knew him as "one of the Matt's" that were all going to live together in the "frisbee house". I have been thinking about sending you this message for a while. I know a stranger's words are of very little condolence, but I wanted to let you know that I think you are such a strong person. You are an incredible person. Everyone loved Matt...

 I can't imagine what it is like to lose the love of your life, the love that has helped you grow into an adult. I think of you all the time. I look at Matt's page every few days. I click on your name. It breaks my heart. You are such a strong person because you stayed, you watched, you were there. One of my favorite songs is by Death Cab for Cutie "What Sarah Said". I think of how I couldn't be the strong, best friend I should have been. I think of Love. Love. Matt was loved. I can't say anything to sympathize or to pretend like I know how you feel because I don't. I just wanted to let you know that I think of you all the time. Through this, you have affected me. I try to remember my life and how I am living it through other people's perspective. 

I closed with some condolences from a stranger, after doing the only thing I thought I could do, "'If there's anything a stranger can do for you, let me know... All the best." 

She responded in about an hour, with sympathy towards me. That's what this girl was doing! If everyone loved Matt and Matt loved this girl, I should have known that she was going to be ridiculously amazing and special... and so kind.  The day before Matt's birthday that same year, I let her know that I was thinking of her and her/his family during this so very difficult time.  Looking back, I'm sure she already had enough reminders of the amazing event that was Matt Hopper's birth and the awful realization that this was the first birthday he was not around for.

 I cannot tell you how much it irritates me when it is a person's birthday and the person is not excited.  "Oh, it is just another day."  I want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them...violently (just kidding).  

"NO! No! Not everyone makes it to 21! Not everyone makes it to 30! Be thankful!"  

(I wasn't really kidding about the violent shaking.)

On December 25, 2009 I emailed Lauren again.  By this point we were actual friends on Facebook.  

The last verse of this song made me think of you and him. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RH3N_PHu6Aw

My only "Christmas gift" to her was the words of one of my favorite artist/writers, Brian Andreas,

I don't know how to say "here, take this" on here, but this work of his is called 

 "More Fair"...

This past year, on the two year anniversary, I messaged her yet again.  It was December 22, 2010. I sent her a message with the subject "Today".  

Hi Lauren, 

I wanted to tell you that you have been in my thoughts and prayers this season. When December and the winter winds roll around, I remember how I never knew him. Your love and spirit and faith have been inspiring to witness. These words still remind me of loss, love, and how privileged we are to have the ones we love in our lives for whatever time period. 

-------------------- www.storypeople.com -------------------- 

"More Fair" 

They left me 

with your shadow, 

saying things like 

Life is not fair 

& I believed them 

for a long time. 

But today, 

I remembered 

the way you laughed 

& the heat 

of your hand 

in mine 

& I knew that 

life is more fair 

than we can 

ever imagine 

if 

we are there to live it

-------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps this is what Love is: being faithful when the flesh wants to run away. 

With sincerity, you are especially in my thoughts and prayers today. 

-Mallory Johnston

It took a couple of weeks, but Lauren responded. 

Hey Mallory, I just got around to reading this, I was having a bit of a hard time processing everything this winter. I just want you to know, that even though I've never met you, I consider you a great friend and encourager. The hard times, and life in general are much easier to take when you know you aren't alone, and you are are an inspiration to me as well. You've shown me so much about what God's love looks like, and how to stand with someone in times of suffering.... even a stranger. I hope that things in your life are going well, and if there is anything I can do to help you in anyway or anything you need, just let me know. You are in my prayers and thoughts as well. I hope we can meet someday!

-Lauren Wright

Someday.

It is easy-- not messy, not complicated, to live your life assuming your actions do not matter, that no one is watching.  Never assuming that your actions can change some one's perspective, some one's life.

Last weekend TTU Ultimate hosted the 2nd Annual Matt Hopper Tourney.  This is a statement from his parents. 

http://orgs.tntech.edu/ultimate/hopper.htm

Yes, that was a bear holding chain saws. (Now you want to click on that link.)

I spent the day stressing out over finding the right "career outfit" and thinking "Ugh, this is the third time I have been to this mall".  The weather was amazing, and I much rather would have been outside on a picnic with my friends.  

"with all this sunshine, I can't help but have you on my mind constantly"

Today is more fair than I can ever imagine. 

By: Mallory M. Johnston

On: March 19, 2011